Either you never did or you still do

She searched for an affirmation in the deep recesses of her mind with the accompaniment of long gone memories. To her relaxation what she found was an echo of the voice of her heart. She exclaimed to herself that probably she is the first person in the history of lovers to ask for a confirmation from the mind than the heart. And same is the queerness with her mind who strangely didn’t oppose the heart for once. It seemed to her that may be it was there since the past ten years. Only she herself didn’t realize it.

Whom to blame!?

Those rom-com movies which make the heroine penitent if she does not reciprocate the love of the protagonist who loves her unconditionally or the hardcore romance novels which makes the sprightly girl-next-door to eventually fall for a mediocre guy in an elusive utopia. Of course unless that happens how can movies be included in hundred crores club and novels be listed among the best-sellers. It’s the foolishness of common mass like her who fall for the idiosyncrasy of the fiction genre and try to re-emerge it in their life, thought Samiksha.

She denied Farin the very first time when he had confronted her with his feelings. Back then they hardly knew each other. She only knew that he liked her. They were not even friends. None of them knew that one day they will be best of friends. But that happened when she heard from somewhere that he has moved on. They befriended with each other. Just when their friendship got stronger Farin eventually broke up with Alina, the girl he was seeing. But now Samiksha was beside him. What more soothing gesture he needed. But he never expressed it because he did not want to be rejected again. He decided to love her silently and did so. He gifted his feelings wrapped in the packet of care and understanding. Gradually she started to respect his feelings. She realized that no-one can love her more than him. She had friendzoned him but started imagining that if someone can love her so much she can even fall for him and she said ‘YES’ to him.

Yet she did not know that even after knowing him so well…even after taking so much time to take a decision…even after denying him four times and accepting five times…even after sharing some extremely romantic moments…even after getting fulfilled her every wish by him…even after exploring his ultimate best side… she would eventually fall for another guy and then only realize that for Farin She never felt the way she does with Abhik now.

When it comes to comparison she knew that Abhik does not have a single conspicuous quality which sets him higher than Farin except for his looks. She sometimes wondered that if ever anyone asks her that why did she leave Farin and what more she would get with Abhik what is going to be her answer. Farin is tall, dark, and to many eyes handsome. Except that he is humble, gentle, kind-hearted, sincere, obedient and every other adjective out there. With all these he had one more ingredient which is loving her more than anyone can ever imagine. But about Abhik one can notice is… his tall, fair and deliciously handsome looks and his chocolate boy looks and his dashing cute-guy looks. To sum up Abhik has only looks, looks and looks.

She didn’t want herself to be the Kareena Kapoor of ‘Kabhi khushi Kabhi Gham’ but at last everyone would designate her with only that. She knew that she had not fallen for his good looks only. She is not that dumb. There is definitely a lot about him to be loved. But she was unable to explain that to anyone. But that was not her only problem. Her feelings about Abhik was unknown to everybody. As a consequence Farin used to think that she was in love with him as much as he is. And Abhik had no idea what she was going through. She did not want to hurt Farin nor did she want to lose the one whom she is actually in love with… Abhik.

Samiksha had only heard the concept of love at first sight. But she never knew that she herself would be experiencing that. After seeing Abhik she felt an unusual sensation in her stomach. She thought may be that was what people say ‘butterflies in stomach’. With each subsequent day the number of butterflies grew and she herself realized that. First he was only a distant dream. Then he became an acquaintance. Then he became a friend. Now was the time he should be more than a friend. How come he never hinted that way… she thought. Maybe because he was afraid that he would face rejection. But she had decided that it was high time to move on with the breeze to arrive at what she wanted rather than to be fixed at what was forced upon her.

Gathering all courage she thought of two jobs at hand. First, telling Farin that she did not love him and second, telling Abhik that she was in love with him. Farin was more approachable. So she confronted him. After hearing her hesitation in accepting him completely Farin understood that it’s again going to be in off mode. But this time forever. He wanted to ask her who the lucky guy was. But he did not. He knew that he won’t be able to bear that name. He let her go. And said

“Love does not bring with it the confirmation of reciprocality. Stay wherever you wish…just be happy. And one more thing. You never stop loving someone. Either you never did or you still do. Either you learn to live without her as you can’t have her or you never learn.”

She did not get any sense from it. And she did not even need to explore it. A fine future was waiting for her. Farin was past now. The second job…..Confessing Abhik. Though it’s been two years since she has known her and one year since she has befriended him she was not sure what kind of person he was and what ways he would prefer for any confession. Owing to his good looks he had a long list of charming girls running helter and skelter for him. She did not match the charm of any of the girls. But she had something which the others did not. Her simplicity and her studies… He himself had agreed many times before that he was falling for both the qualities in her. Well… that was the only hope for her to expect an acceptance of her love from him.

Those were the days of vacation. And it would be going to continue long. She could not wait that long. So she decided to confess him through message. After roaming around an exaggerated formal talk she finally opined herself of loving him.

Abhik was surprized to hear the confessing of a beautiful, studious, intelligent, reserved girl like her of loving him. He was not expecting this even in day-dreams. And he informed of this shocker to her. She started imagining herself in the middle of a romance fiction where the hero readily accepts the love of the heroine which at first was quite unimaginable for him.

But what followed in reality was way different from that fiction. He accepted that he was privileged of her choosing him. But these feelings needed to be reciprocated. And for that he was not ready. Not that he needed some time. But actually he was not feeling the same way she did. And he was ascertain that he won’t. EVER.

Now She had no words to reply. She also had no idea that she would be remembering Farin’s words on the day of her love confession to Abhik. Only that they weigh way more today than they were first heard.

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Kristen Twardowski

A Writer's Workshop

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